"Her baby can't be a genius; babies just can't be geniuses."

"Is she not allowed to use hyperbole?"

"No, hyperbole isn't allowed in my world."

"I'm sorry, honey. You're screwed. I exaggerate a lot."

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I sometimes can’t help but feel temporary. My intellect knows this isn’t true. But it feels true. I worry I can’t love him the way someone else would. I love him so much; I want to give him the best, but what if it’s not me who can do that? What if I’m not the one who can make that happen for him? I feel like leaving with all my things because I can’t give him the best life imaginable. I worry my love isn’t good enough, that I’m too self-absorbed, too self. Why? Why don’t I know my own worth? Why am I sitting here crying in our bed? I know how much he loves me… but I somehow worry that I’m doing him a disservice. That I’m keeping him from joy instead of believing that I could actually be his joy. What’s wrong with me?
I’m sad. Why? Because I don’t feel good enough for him. Why? Cause I don’t know how to show him how much I love him. Why? Because I’m stressed over work and maybe there’s someone else who won’t want to run away. I don’t want to run away to punish him. I want to do it to punish myself because I don’t feel like I deserve him. I’ve suffered for so long, and now I have someone I love, and I’m scared because I don’t want to ruin things. I don’t want to be without him, and I don’t know how to give anymore. It used to be all I did, and I've finally learned how to make it about me, but maybe now I won’t be as good as others would be to him. And I want him to have the best. I don’t know how to give him what he deserves. I hate when I say something wrong and it upsets him. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything right. Eggshells. I hate, most of all, that I don’t know my worth, that I actually believe his love is worth more.

...I hate telling this story. There’s too much to explain and convince you of because I want you to be on “my side.” I want you to know that his mother was a psychopath, but that means describing her and showing you what I mean in a long winding description. It means describing his pathologic sisters, then drawing parallels for you… so you could see the apple really doesn’t fall far. I’d have to describe her leaves and his rotten core. I hate telling this story; it means remembering.
You get to a point where you just don’t want to remember anymore. You’ve learned, and now you’re done with that. You want it gone. But it sneaks up when you don’t want it to. In shopping, in deciding which purse to carry or questioning my jewelry choices. When shopping for shoes or fabric, I think of his mother, and what she would choose. From what nail polish color she would choose for me, and which one I’d choose for myself, and what she’d think of my choice. I wanted so much to please that woman, and despite being a great cook, a smart passionate woman, a woman who loved her son, they never liked me.

cool moss-covered elder
shaded by its own children
arms no longer reaching
towards heaven, but instead
holding itself to the earth
grey, rough wrinkled skin
once green and pliable
now calloused with knowledge
drag your fingers along
its body and feel the years
attempt to etch your skin
and grant you its' wisdom

Warmth
cascades through the stained glass
and the colors rejoice
and ripple across the floor
as the clouds above pass by
Footsteps kick up dust
that becomes swirling halos of emerald, sapphire and ruby
before once more settling to
its earthly beginning
Unfocused eyes see more clearly
the ethereal children at play
Lie down and allow
the dance to dapple your body
Breathe in the heavenly crowns
of light around you
and join in the exultation

Things I Have Done

Things I Have Done

The bold items are things I have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/Disney World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted/sketched
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason~~ Clint just bought me roses today! :)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury~~ A grand one, at that!
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (working on it)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day.
101. Fallen in Love~~ I do it every day.